Engorged Loins

The Most Erotical Novel Ever Told

by Jeremy Pimples

An epic tale of one man's quest to save the world, one lover at a time.

Engorged Loins is a totally awesome novel that will fly off the shelves at airports, be on everyone’s nightstands, and get stolen from libraries all the time. EROTICA • SUSPENSE • HORROR • AUTOBIOGRAPHY

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All My Lovers, Ranked

Olivia E.
An uninhibited, revealing exposé of the naked truth behind two plus decades of seduction, suction, and flagrant lapses in judgment. From a slip of the tongue, to a Freudian slip, to slippery when wet, and everything in between, “All My Lovers, Ranked” is a no-holds-barred adventure in amour and includes as many sensual stirrings in the sheets as it does shameful showers. EROTICA • COMEDY • TRAGEDY • AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Recipes for the Divorced

Fabian Ott
Delicious dishes carefully designed to be gentle on your tummy during tough times. Filled with over 450 recipes from top chefs who all know a thing or two about heartbreak, these calorie-packed culinary delights will leave you salivating for more, and help you put back on any weight you may have lost recently. COOKBOOKS • HEALTH


The Ultimate 17-page guide on how to beat women at card games

Dan Flaherty
Professional advice on how to avoid being seduced at card tables and casinos. Go all-in and learn her tricks and tells. She may be the Queen of Hearts… but you will be the King of Smarts! HOW-TO • EDUCATION
30 pounds

Lose 30 Pounds in 30 Days

by surfing the internet

Dr. Leonard Massey
We all know that overweight people are disgusting and don't have anything to contribute to society. With this 30-day program, leaving your bovine life behind has never been easier! Never be called "fatso," "plump-ill-stilt-skins," "el gordo," "lardass," "blubber gut," or "big fat blob of sticky shit with a wet fart for a head" ever again. Free mouse pad included. HEALTH • HOW-TO

Alien Probe

how a gentle hand taught me all there is to know about space

J.J. Hopkins
In this classic tale of coming-of-age abduction, a small town high school dropout with no prospects in life finds that muddled memories from the cornfield last night may be just what he needs to expand his horizons. YOUNG ADULT • ROMANCE • SCI-FI

Is Sushi Racist?

Madeleine Proell
Put down those chopsticks and put on your thinking hat! In these culturally insensitive times, take a moment out of your precious day to consider how your "harmless" eating habits may, in fact, be bigoted. HEALTH • EDUCATION • NEW AGE

My Children Are Monsters

Hannah Hawn
If I’d known that giving the gift of life would so thoroughly rob me of my sanity, I would have told Billy Gormley to take his hand to the prom. This is what you get for dating the quarterback. They never make it to the NFL, cry in the garage when they think they're alone, and smell like old soup when they come home from the factory. DRAMA • HORROR

How to Exercise in Your Sleep

& get totally jacked!

Baker Martin
What if I told you that you could eat whatever you wanted, travel anywhere, do anybody, and still get a full night’s rest – and wake up TOTALLY JACKED?! Well now you can! Be the talk of the office with this proven method for lucid dreaming your way to a healthy physique. HEALTH • HOW-TO • SCIENCE

Notice This Color

Linda Edmonds
Learn how the world's most successful artists use your own visual perception against your will. In this crash course we'll cover the basics of electromagnetic radiation in the visible spectrum, and how you can harness its variations in the gallery, and in life. TEXTBOOK

Merry Christmas, B*TCH!

Ronnie Little
She thought a restraining order, a sleepy mountain village a thousand miles away, and a doofus husband in a cardigan could save her. Well next time, that ho ho ho should live in a cabin without a chimney!!! HORROR • DRAMA

Poor People Suck

Zach Burwell
Backed by groundbreaking research, this comprehensive study into the lives of the destitute reveals irrefutable evidence that the world's poverty-stricken aren't just misfortunate: They bear most - if not all - of the blame for their lamentable lives. NON-FICTION

We Don't Build Downard Enough

third edition

Professor Alvin Jennings, PhD
With enormous potential space right under our feet, and with ownership laws that are vague at best, this revised Third Edition of the architectural classic covers more than 300 methods to build underground that every student should know. TEXTBOOK

Twice on Sunday

the world's first pop-up book about abuse within the Catholic Church

Willy Parker, Jr.
Sometimes when very naughty things happen to you, you can feel weird after. But God still has a plan! He just works in mysterious ways. Let "Twice on Sunday" be your bible on how to forgive and forget - and forget again and again and again! RELIGIOUS • SELF-HELP • FANTASY

Make Money Yesterday

"Greed" is just a word

William T. Busser
Money isn't some elusive concept. It's a physical reality. So stop "earning it with your career", and start making it with your attitude! In this book I will teach you everything you need to know about leveraging greed to become filthy rich. If that thought scares you, then get back in your Mazda and go home - this book is not for you. FINANCE • SELF-HELP

What Jew Say?!

How Jews Control Hollywood, the Media, Major Banks, Lie About the Holocaust
& Just Kidding This Is a Book About Me Growing Up in Nebraska I Don’t Even Know Any Jews & Certainly Don’t Have Anything Against Them

Terry Haynes
Growing up next to the Wyoming border wasn't always a picnic. AUTOBIOGRAPHY

How Did I Get Here?

Based on notes scribbled in the margins of a Better Homes & Gardens magazine found next to his withered corpse, and only “lightly edited” by his ex-wife for consistency, How Did I Get Here? is the harrowing tale of an arrogant, have-it-all, stock market playboy’s descent from unbridled infidelity to devastating isolation on an unknown island. MYSTERY •SUSPENSE •HORROR • AUTOBIOGRAPHY


Great Authors


Olivia E.

An expert in the carnal arts, Olivia has judged libidinous encounters throughout the Americas, Europe and Central Africa.

All My Lovers, Ranked

Professor Alvin Jennings, PhD

Tenured and teaching full time since 1998, Dr. Jennings lives in a 4 bedroom subterranean bungalow he built himself.

We Don't Build Downward Enough

Dan Flaherty

Dan hails from Reno, Nevada. Since developing his technique, he hasn't lost a single hand to a woman.

Poker? I Hardly Know Her!

Hannah Hawn

After spending all godammed day running around taking care of her snotnoses, Hannah is dead tired and can barely even watch Netflix.

My Children Are Monsters

Baker Martin

Baker used to be a bullied insomniac crybaby. Then he learned how to sleep like a boss.

How to Exercise in Your Sleep & Get TOTALLY JACKED!

Madeleine Proell

Graduate of Bard College with honors, Ms. Proell currently resides in New York and is the author of one book and 312 pamphlets.

Is Sushi Racist?

Enrich your library & your life!